New Dawn, New Day, New Flippin Twillight Movie

A young girl by the name of Dorothy once clicked her heels 3 times and said "there's no place like home". She's partly right, but I think taking a British Airways flight back to Kansas might have been a better way to go. The biggest hassle would've been the 8 hour layover but everywhere has Starbucks and WiFi so that time too would have passed. Get with the program Dotty.

The most important thing in life, they say (not sure who they are) is to never have any regrets and to that end my slate is clean. What a trip. I've met some wonderful people, granted I've met some utter morons too proving that they can be found everywhere.

But, Canada..(Pondering silence, reflective background music playing in my head), what a place and while I wile my last hours in this country away I can't help but think of what great adventurous step I may take from here. For anyone thinking of venturing over here, don't think of it as a step up, or down or even sideways. It's just a step. No better or worse than home. Although, the bread sucks. I cant wait to sink my teeth into some grinder my mother would say "T'would be a shame to toast that".

I wonder still if I had pursued what could've been my true calling as a Bella Swan lookalike would things have been different? Perhaps. Perhaps not. So I leave you now with the wise words of 2 young men from Colorado who breathed life into characters with their own perceptions of Canada in ways that I could not:

Female reporter: Do you really think you Danish can replace the Canadians?
Danish guy: Well, where we come from it's pretty cold too. We like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us.
Female reporter: Nobody knows where Denmark is.
Danish guy: Right, so when you think about it, we're the Canadians of Europe.
(Parker, T et al, 2008, Canada on Strike)

THE RETURN OF POLLY NETTLES

I really hate douchebags that wear sun glasses when it's raining. There's no glare, you're just pretentious and weird. you're not a celebrity. you're not a bodyguard and you're certainly no Ray Charles, you mutt.

Occupy Vancouver! Protests! Students getting high! Playing crap music. Now I respect the right to protest but assaulting emergency service workers like the police and fire fighters like you're rabid dogs is just plain stupid. it's cool though. the city is seeking court ordered permission to "disassemble" their makeshift "craphole" of a "village" they've been living in the past month outside Vancouver art Gallery, basically they're gonna tear down the tents and thank god. There's a very odd aroma coming from that side of town.

Homeless people are friendlier than yuppy bar owners, go figure. I even had a nice homeless man draw my protrait for the low low price of a half eaten sandwich. And another dude who, even though he was living rough, told ME to keep my spirits high, that karma would take care of me just because I was being nice to him. Needless to say he got a whole sandwich and I got a job out of it.

I do not heart buses. I miss my car, although the thoughts of joining this race of nutjob drivers scares the bejesus out of me. these people are crazier than the Irish on Ice. It's like watching Bambi do riverdance drunk, except on ice.

Stipulations in my health insurance state that if I break my leg skiing I'm on my own, but how about snow boarding? Or tubing? Or sliding down Whistler in a wheelie bin? You have to read the fine print, but I just wanna play in the snow dag nammit. Why wont you let me play?

Back to the bus thing. I've come to really enjoy standing on buses over here, makes me feel like I'm urban surfing only if you wipe out you don't eat wave, you dive face first into a large gentleman's armpit. this we don't enjoy.

Since Chris's departure I had been thrust back into the Stone Age, technologically speaking, If stoneage men and women had to take the 16 downtown to get online that is. No laptop, millions of unread emails (I'm popular, word up) and no youtube to idly pass the time. But huzzzah I'm back on the information superhighway in a big way,. New laptop and I am telling you it is a crime how cheap crap is here. All kinds of crap. I'm seriously considering going into the bootlegging biz full time if I ever come home or if this whole social youth worker dealy doesn't work out.

Yep, I got a job and in record time too apparently. I've met a lot of people over here and 2-3 weeks is by far the fastest time I've heard for someone to get a nice place to live for a reasonable rate, find a job and make new friends. I gotta say my alter ego is having a field day with this one and I'm letting her loose on Downtown vancouver this weekend in celebration. Rock on Polly, rock on.

Canada!!!! It's not for girls!

Trick or treat? I made the rookie mistake of picking trick. And who, you might ask is playing a trick on me? Why Canada that's who. Not a bad trick though, but a familiar one. Canada is living up to pretty much all the stereotypes we Europeans would be led to believe and then some.

Also, you might be happy to learn, I finally had a meal that I thoroughly enjoyed. Well hang on, do olives with a dirty Grey Goose martini count as an entree?

Chris arrived and we tried our very best to get lost in Vancouver. You know, just to be all poetic and try to "find ourselves" again, but true to the Canadian stereotype they are just so god damn efficient we were unable. We decided instead to take a leisurely 10km stroll around the beautiful Stanley Park which I was delighted to find had 6 Starbucks on route and yes I stopped in all of them for a Grande Cappuccino.

So, buzzed on caffeine, I chased squirrels around the park, again hoping to catch a decent meal, they are speedy little critters and I discovered 2 things that are immensely disturbing:

1) It's not the damn dirty apes we need to fear taking over the planet. Oh no. Hitchcock had it right all along. It's THE CROWS. Clever Little things, stealing chips from peoples plates as they eat, cracking open mussels by banging them on the ground, swooping down, making the general population feel mildly annoyed and they're not even trying to hide it.

But this is not the most disturbing thing witnessed, no no.

2) The crows squawk with Canadian accents. I swear to God I'm convinced I heard one of them say "kawww, eh!"

To change the subject swiftly because I don't want you to think I've lost my mind, Chris thinks I might have ADHD and he could be on to something, but more to the point, I'd really love a ham and cream cheese bagel right now.

The good news bears also brought a revelation to me yesterday. There are people all over this city that talk to themselves. Not only that, they have full conversation with themselves. Now I'm not saying they're crazy, but I am. To be fair, sometimes I talk to myself but I have the common sense to do it in the privacy of my own brain. Where's the revelation you ask? well, there are plenty of services people who talk to themselves need and that's where I come in. Mam, Dad, you'll be so proud to hear, I'm going to get a job in Starbucks. For talking to yourself is thirsty business and there's money to be made.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 2+3=yippeeee

Arrest warrants! Plane crashes! Weed smoking locals and game 7 of the World Series. To say the next 2 days after the last Blog were eventful is a bit of an understatement.

Ok, so the arrest warrant is a bit exaggerated but the rest is true. A plane really did crash at Vancouver Airport and seeing as I already had a mild to serious fear of flying, I'd better practice my cross country jogging and Transatlantic swimming if I ever plan on going home.

People here remain ridiculously nice to the point that I immediately initiated a conversation with the first people I heard use the word "f**k". Thank God people swear here. I had visions of me having to go outside to a designated swearing area so as not to offend some delicate sensibilities.

A little FYI or rather for my information: these people are nuts about smoking. Never mind the fact that it is illegal to smoke weed and drink alcohol on the street, or anywhere for that matter (Ahem, NO it wasn't me). I got scolded for not standing PRECISELY 6 feet from the door with my cigarette. But, my pot smoking, beer swilling neighbourooney went un-scolded and then proceeded to inform me that smoking cigarettes is bad for you. Thanks for the memo Cheech, I'll be sure to pass that information on to the good people at High Times Magazine.

Learned something else new today. Baseball is the most boring sport known to mankind and I've watched the World Chess Championship. Having watched "A League of Their Own" some 57 times since I was young, I was expecting something a little more exciting, perhaps a sibling rivalry and would it be too much to ask for the catcher to do the splits when catching a foul ball? I guess Tom Hanks was wrong, there IS crying in Baseball, especially for the Texas Rangers.

Food wise the Canadian bacon experienced in Blog one is, thus far, the peak of culinary delights. Everything after it has been utter crap. I'm not sure if its because the bacon was so go damn amazing that nothing else could top it or maybe its just that any food that has followed is just that: Utter crap. But there's only so many places you can go on your own with a book and look cool, actually really its only in Starbucks you can do that, so I wait for Chris to join me tomorrow. I've seen at least 16 restaurants on Granville Street alone that I have to try out so I hope he's hungry.

So this is officially day 3 and I still don't want to go home. That can only be a good thing seeing as I'm meant to be here a year. Only 362 days to go.

PS: Beers with my new buddies tonight. The couple are like a younger Sonny and Cher and the other dude is my replacement Richie Gleeson but you know, Canadian. I wasn't expecting friends before a work permit (which I shoulda got at the airport upon arrival, hence potential arrest warrant), but whatever, I have to get all these things at some point, don't think the order matters. Or does it?

Over and Out.

Ok, day one in Canada. Here's what I've learned so far:

Canadian Customs officers are scary people and it IS just like that Border Patrol show. Cavity search anyone? they're free!!!

Canadian bacon is the most important new treat discovered. I want it on everything from now on, even ice cream, who am I kidding? especially ice cream. guess that's why this wonderful race of people call it "meat candy", hmmmm, candy!

They DO say "Buddy" quite a lot. It's even on Sports Centre which is, by the way, the only watch-able show in Canada. I was pleasantly surprised by that one, but I'm not your Buddy, Guy!

Ice Hockey, contrary to popular belief, is a wimps sport. Give them a hurley and a sliotar with no padding and they'd poop themselves. but, alternatively, put the Tipperary and Kilkenny Senior Hurley teams on ice and we've got ourselves a game my friends.

Something that freaked me out: Jeremy kyle took a little trip to North America and decided to impart his limited, shouty wisdom on the white trash population. If you thought the cockneys were bad, sheeeesh!

Also did you know that Dunkin' Donuts has much nicer coffee than Starbucks? Oh yea, it's true and they also do donuts now, for Dunkin' I guess.

Something trippy: It's hot here. In October. There's snow on the mountains and I'm considering a game of tennis in my short shorts. It was colder in Ireland and I feel like I'm being cheated out of some snowball fights with the overly polite natives.

Which brings me to my next point: These people are ridiculously nice. They keep calling me "Mrs Laste". Ahem, Mrs Laste is my mother's name thank you very much, now gimme more of that bacon, which I believe is one of their 5 a day.

My favourite part so far? In the Canadian version of The Globe that my nice hotel people gave me, I've found at least 6 references to South Park including my personal faves, "Buddy" and "Blame Canada". I think I've found the equivalent in Canada to us being called alcoholic Paddy's, although the difference being we're secretly proud of that moniker.

All jokes aside I think this is a good move and I'll keep anyone who's interested up to date on this thing.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go see if I can find a Grizzly Bear and offer it some bacon covered ice cream. "C'mere Yogi, I have a pic-a-nic basket.